


By the time you stand and walk again

by nearperfectthing



Series: the words you said when i told you what the ravens sing in my dreams [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: References to Canon violence, Riko doesn't deserve his own tag but he's there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23530354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nearperfectthing/pseuds/nearperfectthing
Summary: Five moments with Kevin Day and Jean Moreau, who do not like or trust but might love each other.
Relationships: Kevin Day & Jean Moreau
Series: the words you said when i told you what the ravens sing in my dreams [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693282
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	By the time you stand and walk again

**Author's Note:**

> This is part two of things-that-I-wrote-four-years-ago-but-am-still-emotional-about. As the tags say, the violence in this story comes directly from the books, but it's still violence, and the first three scenes take place in the Nest, so take care. Title is from Cocoon's "I will be gone." Thank you for reading!

01\. 

The first time he meets Jean Moreau, Kevin is twelve years old and he is crying. He will be embarrassed about the crying, later, but it is a habit that Kevin has never been able to kick, although Jean did, years before, and Riko never seemed to have it in the first place. Kevin is crying because he is scared, although really Kevin is always scared. Riko scares Kevin, and the master scares Kevin, and the older Ravens with their quiet intensity and furious stares scare Kevin, and this thin and angry looking boy terrifies him. What if Kevin is about to lose Riko for good, to this small, angry boy. What if Riko loves this boy more. What if Riko wants this boy to be his shadow, and Kevin loses his place in the world. What if Riko hates him, and Kevin has a small, angry boy to protect, when Kevin doesn’t even know how to protect himself. Kevin is not ready to have his fragile world shaken again. 

The small, angry boy doesn’t speak very much English. He stares Riko right in the eye, a habit he will be forced to break soon, blood dripping down his nose, and crosses his arms defiantly.  _ I don’t know what you are saying _ . Kevin doesn’t understand the words that he uses, they’re not English and they’re not Japanese, which he still struggling to learn. Riko looks furious, which means it’s Kevin’s job to play peacemaker. It will never make sense to him, when he grows up and realizes that Riko’s reputation is to be charming and likable, while his own is so standoffish. Kevin grabs on to the boy’s arm, resisting his attempts to pull away, and drags him towards his new room before Riko can get any angrier. The boy says something again that Kevin doesn’t understand, tugging on his arm. What are you doing? Kevin repeats it back to him, slowly, syllable by syllable. Perhaps he can learn this language, like he is learning Japanese. Perhaps the boy will love him for it. Kevin desperately wants people to love him. 

_I’m Kevin_ , he says, pointing to himself.

The boy is still wearing his anger as a defensive face when he says, _Jean_. 

02.

Jean and Riko do not believe in family. It is a foreign concept, one that neither of them has experienced. They think that it was invented by soft-hearted frauds. They think that Kevin is soft-hearted, and that is where he picked the idea up. There is little entertainment in the Nest outside of Exy, so Jean and Riko make fun of Kevin for loving his mother. 

Kevin knows that family exists. He has memories, vague as they are, of his mother, and the way she laughed and swung him in circles and took him to the grocery store and bought him his favorite ice cream. Kevin loves his mother, maybe even more than he loves anything else in the world. In Kevin's world, it’s not a good thing to love anything more than you love Wxy, to love anyone more than you love Riko. 

They find the letter by accident. Riko laughs it off, doesn’t bother to read it past the first few lines, and hands it off to Kevin, saying, _a piece of paper is almost as good as the real thing, right?_ Kevin doesn’t laugh, because a piece of paper is nothing like the real thing, but it’s the best he is going to get.

Because Riko didn’t bother to read the letter past the first few lines, which are about trying to get a US national Exy team started, he does not get to the end.  _ Tetsuji _ , the letter ends _ , I am having a baby. David is the father, of course, but I don’t want him to know. He has so much going on, with the Foxes, I don’t want him to give that all up to move here with me. You will be the child’s godfather, of course, if you would agree to it. Tetsuji, we are going to make this child the happiest baby on earth. I’m not decided on names yet, but I was thinking if it was a boy, Kevin. All my love, Kayleigh.  _

When Kevin finishes reading the letter, his first thought is,  _ my mother loved me _ . His second thought is,  _ my father’s name is David.  _ His third thought is,  _ my father, David Wymack, is the coach of the PSU Foxes _ . His fourth thought is,  _ the PSU Foxes are the worst team in class I Exy.  _ His fifth thought comes slowly. It is,  _ maybe my father loves me too.  _

Kevin does not share this thought process with Riko, but it is written all over his face, in a script only brothers can decipher. 

That night, Jean comes to Kevin and Riko’s room. He prefers not to, when he can avoid it, but he has a cut high up on his shoulder from a recent disagreement, and it is easier to allow Kevin to re-bandage it and check for infection than to twist at an awkward angle to do it himself. Riko does not mind Kevin’s involvement, because being in their room means Riko gets to remind himself of his success in hurting Jean. 

When Kevin leans over to check his shoulder, his ear brushes close enough for Jean to whisper in French, _stop thinking about her_. Kevin whispers back, _mind your own business_. Kevin’s instinct for self preservation is good, but it stops at the idea of his mother. Jean whispers harshly, _stop pretending she’s some sort of hero, she left you here. She wanted you here. It doesn’t help to lie to yourself_. Kevin doesn’t believe that he is lying to himself, so he responds, _she didn’t want me here_. Jean says, _then why did she give the master custody of you when she died?_

Kevin does not believe this is the truth. Kevin will not let this be the truth. He switches to English, leaning away from Jean and raising his voice so that Riko can hear him. He says, _but why would my mother bother writing it into her will and waiting until she died if she wanted me to be here? If she sold me she could have made, what was it Jean, eight thousand dollars?_

Jean’s face goes blank, his eyes dull in a way that tells Kevin how much this betrayal means more than the words. When Kevin looks away, the expression on Riko’s face is proud. 

03.

Jean has seen Kevin in his worst moment. He kneels beside him and bandages Kevin's hand, with the calm efficiency of someone who has closed wounds before. Kevin wants to throw up. There is blood on the court floor, and while Exy is a dangerous, violent game, it still looks wrong to Kevin. His blood on the floor, staining his pants, although he won't have the chance to change them until after he arrives in South Carolina. Riko is standing a little bit away, further than Kevin is used to, and his distance tugs at Kevin, wanting him to move closer, for comfort which RIko can’t or won’t provide. 

Usually, this distance is to be taken advantage of, a rare excuse for Kevin and Jean to speak French without any danger, but Jean doesn’t say anything. He wraps a bandage around Kevin’s hand and cleans the floor enough that no one will know what happened. Kevin is sure Riko is already inventing two excuses, one for his uncle and one for the world. It is only when Jean is completely finished with Kevin’s hand and the court floor that he kneels down in front of Kevin and whispers,  _ you know you’ll never play again _ . If it is meant to hurt, it does. 

Kevin grasps at Jean’s wrist with his right hand. He says, _if_ _you are my friend, Jean, if you have ever been my friend, you will get Riko out of our room_. Jean focuses on Kevin’s mangled hand, refusing to meet his eyes. Then he leans forward, slow enough that it looks like he is still whispering in Kevin’s ear, and gently kisses Kevin’s cheek, above the tattoo. Later, Kevin will wonder if this was Jean’s way of telling him that he knows what Kevin is about to do, although the plan is only half formed in Kevin’s head. Later, Kevin will wonder if this was Jean’s way of giving his blessing, and his forgiveness. 

04.

Kevin has seen Jean in his worst moment. Kevin has seen Jean in many of his worst moments. He has seen Jean battered, bleeding, broken bones and concussed head. He has seen Jean scared and Jean angry, in a few dark moments, Jean begging for relief. Kevin is used to the dead look in Jean’s eyes, but it hurts all the same. 

It hurts, too, to see Jean lying in the spare bed in Abby’s apartment with no visible skin unbruised, and know that neither of them will allow Jean to stay. Kevin says, in French, _are you okay?_ It comes out rougher than he was aiming for, although not as harsh as he usually sounds. Jean doesn’t reply. Kevin, who loves Exy, who doesn’t know or understand or care to discover life without Exy, who wears Exy as a protective shell, says, _when do you think you’ll be able to play again?_ Jean closes his eyes. Kevin wants to say, talk to me, Jean, we’ve been the only thing we have for so long. Instead he says, _what do you want from me?_ It’s an unforgivably cruel thing to say, when Jean is in this state, and they both know it. After a moment, Jean opens his eyes and responds. 

_This is why everyone at Edgar Allen liked Riko better than you_ , Jean says. 

It’s a truth that Kevin likes to ignore, when he can. _You didn't._

_True,_ Jean nods, his eyes locked to Kevin’s, _but look how that turned out_.

Kevin wonders when he will be able to look Jean in the eye and not feel the weight of all the years of thousands of small betrayals reflected back. 

05.

They play the Trojans in the second round, an ugliness for the Foxes, but a joy for Kevin. Seeing the court covered in red and gold proves once again that his love of this strange, violent sport and the string pulled tight from him to his mother is not misplaced. The Trojan coach places Jean at left-court, opposite Kevin, blocking his inevitable path to the goal. Kevin is glad. He knows Jean’s weaknesses better than anyone. Of course, Jean knows his weaknesses better than anyone. Anyone alive, that is. Riko always knew Kevin the best. 

As of late, there have been complaints of commentators and fans who mourn the loss of precision in the new Ravens team. Fewer practices, more restrictions by the college, and more protections for player’s health have made Edgar Allen a slightly less hellish place to play Exy, but one that isn’t nearly as good. Even before the collapse of the Ravens, commentators and fans had mourned the fact that they had never seen the Ravens play themselves, had never been able to see what it looked like to have the same level of quick, efficient, and deadly accurate competency on both sides of an Exy game. And these days, they never will. But the little corner of the court where Kevin goes to spar with Jean is the closest anyone will ever get. 

The Trojan offense is good, always had been, and the Foxes defense is good, getting better, but it’s difficult for viewers to tear their eyes from the way Kevin and Jean, and Neil too, play, like some sort of choreographed fight scene, or maybe a dance. On replays, commentators and fans will note the way Kevin and Jean smiled, fierce, furious smiled under their helmets as the moved past each other with a hundred tiny Raven steps. People will call it the best game to watch in years. It will restore the faith of those who complain the too much attention is paid to college Exy, with its famous names and excessive drama. The highlight reel will make the ESPN day’s recap that night, an unprecedented amount of time for college Exy. USC will win, happy to be moving on, happy that they have lived up to their own expectations and beaten the foxes at their own game. The Foxes will be happy too, satisfied with a game well played, and Kevin will be riding high on the Trojan’s win, even at his own expense. 

At the end of the game, the Foxes shake hands with the Trojans. This is usually an awkward, tense part of the game, where both teams have to pretend they aren’t furious at each other. A few times, handshakes have been so painful that the Foxes have actually skipped them. But the Trojans are dedicated to sportsmanship, so dedicated that they win an award every year that is named for Kevin’s mother, something that Kevin will always love them for. So handshakes are a must. Jeremy Knox claps Kevin on the back, grinning, and Kevin can’t help but to smile too, quick and sharp. The line of red and gold Trojans congratulate Kevin, telling him how much they liked that second goal, how much they enjoyed playing him. Jean is at the end of the line, shaking hands in silence. When Kevin gets to him, the look in Jean’s eyes says, I can’t believe you expect me to deal with these happy people every day of the week. The look in Kevin’s eyes says, I can’t believe you’re upset that you get to play with the  _ USC Trojans _ every day. It occurs to Kevin, who is nothing if not media-savvy, that he is holding up the line of Foxes behind him, Renee and Aaron and the new dealer, and that the commentators probably have something to say about this. 

Here is the truth: Kevin Day loves Jean Moreau. He does not like him, and he does not trust him. He would not put his safety at stake for Jean Moreau, and he would not expect Jean to do it for him in return. That is not the way their friendship works. But Kevin Day and Jean Moreau understand each other, and when you are understood you don’t need to explain, and when you don’t need to explain, you have more time to play Exy, and when you have more time to play Exy, then you can be better, maybe even be the best. And Kevin Day has always wanted to be the best. 

Before he can psych himself out, thinking too hard about the commentators and a million tiny betrayals between himself and Jean, Kevin leans over and hugs Jean, quickly, just long enough to feel Jean react and wrap his arms around Kevin’s back. Kevin whispers, _good game._ Jean says, _you too. Maybe next time you’ll win_. After a moment he adds, _you should be able to, you know I’ve heard you’re the best striker in all the world_. When Kevin pulls away, they’re both laughing, a strange, hyped, end of an exhausted game laugh. A laugh that says that neither of them can believe that they are here, playing this game, without the shadow of Riko and the Ravens above them. Kevin says, _I’ll talk to you later_ , and Jean says, _okay_. 


End file.
